The Monday Monologue

If You'll Pardon My Saying So

(Watkins the family butler addresses his young master who is still in bed)

A lady to see you, Mr. Archibald, sir.

The matter appears to be pressing.

Luncheon was served quite an hour ago,

I didn’t awaken you, sir, as you know.

There are times, sir, when sleep is a blessing.

I have here some ice, sir, to put on your head,

And also a whisky and 'polly'.

I don't know what time you retired to bed,

But the party sir, must have been jolly…

…If you'll pardon my saying so.

The lady in question a-waiting below,

Is accompanied, sir, by her mother,

And also a prize-fighting gentleman, sir,

A pugnacious character one might infer,

Whom the lady describes as her brother.

The elderly female is quite commonplace,

A most vulgar person, I fear, sir,

Who shouts in a nerve wracking falsetto voice,

And her language is painful to hear, sir…

…If you'll pardon my saying so.

The prize-fighter person is burning with hate.

He refers to you, sir, as a 'twister.'

He threatens to alter the shape of your 'clock,'

To break you in half, sir, and knock off your 'block,'

Unless you do right by his sister.

The young lady says, sir, with trembling lips,

That you made her a promise of marriage.

She wants to know why she should eat fish and chips,

While you, sir, ride by in your carriage…

…If you'll pardon me saying so.

Sir John has a dreadful attack of the gout,

He is fuming to beat all creation.

My lady, your mother, is up in the air.

She is having hysterics and tearing her hair,

And borders on nervous prostration.

Would you wish me to pack your portmanteau at once,

And look up the times of the trains, sir?

Or perhaps you would rather I brought you a drink,

And a pistol to blow out your brains, sir…

…If you'll pardon my saying so.

Another monologue next Monday